Have you ever wondered about whatever became of some of our beloved Hollywood Animals over the years? We here at IMSTILLAKID have uncovered the truth! (No, not really this is all imaginary — or is it??)
*Benji the Dog starred in a number of movies and TV specials in the 1970’s to a great level of success. As vain a creature as there ever was, Benjie did not wish to suffer the indignities of growing old. So, he spent his entire fortune on being frozen in liquid nitrogen and stored next to Walt Disney’s head. A thousand years from now, Benjie’s is scheduled to emerge from his millennial slumber from his cryo-chamber. Sadly, the joke is on him because after the great Tsunami of 2540 A.D. – his capsule as well as most of Southern California is sitting on the bottom of the Ocean. The movie “Swim Benjie Swim” will win an unprecedented 29 Academy Awards the following year!
*The Littlest Hobo continued to meddle in the affairs of strangers for several years. He was kidnapped by an old farmer who forced him to dance on his hind legs for hours and days upon end. London’s only reward was a big juicy bone to gnaw on at the end of a hard day of dancing. After several months, the Old Man taught London a routine and entered the dog onto America’s Got Talent. Lo and behold the dog won the competition. After winning, London simply looked at the Old Man — their gaze transfixed on one another — trotted off into the unknown. It turns out, the old man was the dogs original owner and finally found the dog after years of it roaming through Canada helping strangers. While trying to disarm a short bus kid that was launching cherry bombs at seagulls, London was shot in the arse with a firecracker and died.
*Flipper the Dolphin left Hollywood behind him and went to teach sign language in Costa Rica. After a night of excessive drinking, Flipper woke up the next morning in bed with Dan Marino. They have never spoken of the incident since, and Flipper has never been the same. Flipper developed a penchant for designer wigs and dressing in women’s undergarments. Long time friends of the beloved porpoise believe he may have suffered a psychotic episode after his tryst with Marino.
* The wonderful talking horse, Mr. Ed became a talk show staple long after his show was cancelled. He had a feud with rival Francis the Talking Mule and the two had a knife fight at the the 1974 Tony Awards. Thankfully no one was seriously injured in the melee. In the 1970’s he was the permanent centre spot on Hollywood Squares and had several walk on roles on the Love Boat in the 1980’s. He was caught by paparazzi huffing glue in his stable. The revelation to him afterwards that glue is MADE from horses sent Mr. Ed off the deep end and he spiraled into a deep depression. He stopped eating his oats and apples and carrots. Concerned handlers had him visit a horse whisperer and he got better. Mr. Ed died of natural causes at the ripe age of 65.
*Babe became the Ham and Bacon in a legendary toasted club style BLT sandwich with 3 slices of bread, some cheese, ripe juicy tomatoes, a splash of mayo, and some salt and pepper on the tomatoes, a big ole dill pickle on the side of the plate; and a side order of french fries. It was so good I can’t wait to eat the sequel!
*The star of two Free Willy films travelled the seas for several years exploring the world. He even joined a Greenpeace outfit and protested against a number of corporate environmental lawbreakers. Willy spent two months in lock up for chaining himself to a beloved local redwood tree that was slated to be chopped down in order to build a new Red Lobster restaurant. Willy developed a bit of an eating disorder after years of being referred to as a whale.
*Garfield opened his own Italian Restaurant that only served Lasagna and was closed on Mondays. The venue did not last long, as there wasn’t enough of a menu variety and each plate was covered in cat hair. One day, in his later years, Odie snapped and ripped out Garfield’s throat. After years and years of manipulation and abuse at the hands of the orange hued fat cat, Odie just couldn’t take it anymore and attacked. Feeling the most confident he has ever felt after incapacitating his lifetime adversary — Garfield; Odie decided to strut his stuff and go and sniff the butt of the pretty poodle dog next door. He was promptly shot by animal control as soon as he stepped foot out of the house. Sad truly sad. What was even sadder was a grown man, John Arbuckle, living alone with two cats and a dog, and never dating anyone.
*Gallantly defending the Hall of Justice while the Super Friends went out for gelato, Wonder Mutt was vaporized by Lex Luthor when the Legion of Doom attempted to break and enter into the fortress. Wonder Mutt put up a super fight before his end. He chewed the Toyman to pieces, chomped Captain Cold in the nards, and bit Lex Luthor in the ass. Wonder Mutt probably would have defeated the intruders single-handedly but he was momentarily distracted looking up Giganta’s skirt. The villains made a hasty retreat before the heroes returned. Aquaman and Robin were the most devastated by the loss of their canine mascot — Aquaman felt guilty for suggesting they all go for gelato; and Robin was pissed that he spent his allowance on a new chew toy for Wonder Mutt and lost the recipt.
SKIPPY THE KANGAROO
* Skippy invested his fortune in peanut butter and became very rich. He uses his fortune to travel the world on adventures. He’s been skiing in the Alps, hopped up Mt. Everest, sailed around the world, and has already purchased his ticket to ride on Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic first public space flight. He’s been dating Paul Hogan’s daughter for the past 12 years and they have 3 mutant kids together.