Have you ever loved a TV Show so much that you imagined yourself as part of your favourite TV shows? I have. All the time. Why not? So I had some fun a while back thinking about how somewhere on an alternate world I may have been cast in these programs, and so I put together a few roles that I think I would have been perfect for my favourite shows. Anything is possible in the imagination of a grown manchild.
I would play a fun loving young man (not a stretch from reality) who purchases and re-opens Mr. Hooper‘s Store. Each episode there could be a segment where Big Bird, Oscar, Bert and Ernie and the rest of the muppets on Sesame Street come into the store to buy something and I teach them about commerce, financing, and the economy — something you never really see kids being taught on children’s programs. They have to learn sometime, somehow, right? Elmo‘s not allowed in my store though — he keeps trying to pay me in tickles and that doesn’t pay the bills.
I would co-star on Diff’rent Strokes as Mr. Drummond’s long standing butler and chauffeur, Geoffrey. He’s the uninitiated younger brother of the late Mrs. Drummond and natural uncle to Kimberly. Blatantly honest, brash, and sarcastic; Geoffrey would have great back-and-forth banter with the scampy young Arnold played by Gary Coleman. In season 5 I’m written off the show when in the season premiere it is casually stated that I knocked up a waitress and moved to Greensboro, Alabama to live with her family and raise the child together. This would have made a great spin off show called “Southern Hospitality” with Geoffrey contending with his new bride’s crazy backwoods family.
Meet Chet “Nitro” Nuggent (dutifully played by yours truly), a twangy tough-talkin’ southerner with a penchant for blowing things up real good. A recurring character, Nitro shows up every few episodes as a favor for his uncle Hannibal every time the A-Team gets into a pickle and needs someone to make things go boom. B.A. Barracus (Mr.T) and Howlin’ Mad Murdoch don’t get along, so Nitro and Face Man also don’t get along — mostly because Face is a suave and sophisticated ladies man and Nitro’s a shy bumbling fat obnoxious redneck klutz. That’s pure comedy gold right there!
SAVED BY THE BELL
Instead of a Ballet Dancing – Beefcake Wrestling – Jheri Curled – A.C. Slater making his way to Bayside, instead we get Chuck (as played by yours truly) a sarcastic fat know it all. Much like Tori, I only last the one season before they bring in Mr. Spandex Mario Lopez.
Hands down my favorite show of all time, but it would have been much much cooler if I was on it. I could have played a fat guy named John Milton (keeping in the Lost tradition of naming characters after philosophers and authors) that the Candidates find living in one of the Dharma hatches brewing up some of that beer that Jin, Sawyer, and Hurley enjoyed so much when they found the VW van in the woods. Discovering that the Dharma Initiative has been gone for years, I abandon my job and join the rag tag group of survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 in their efforts to get off the island. Voila ~! In there like swim wear.
To be on The Walking Dead I would settle for a walk on roll as a zombie, but would be much better suited replacing that chump kid Carl. I would play Gerry, an affluent banker who still thinks that people can be bought and sold in this post-apocalyptic world. The foil in many relationships within the camp of survivor’s, Gerry initiates conflicts with everyone in much the same capacity as Dr. Smith did in Lost In Space. In Season Four I would play traitor to my previously loyal group, and start following orders from the twisted and deranged Governor played by David Morrissey. Because I would be such a prick on the show, I’m certain that my eventual on-screen death would be both gruesome and satisfying.
**SO THAT WAS MY IMAGINARY BRUSH WITH TV STARDOM. IF I COULD GRANT THE WISH, WHAT TV SHOWS WOULD YOU HAVE CAST YOURSELF IN??**