We’re on the hunt for our beloved PRODUCT MASCOT PITCHMEN. What has happened to them over the years? Let’s speculate, shall we?
Have you ever wondered about whatever became of some of our beloved Product Mascots over the years? We here at IMSTILLAKID have uncovered the truth! (No, not really this is all imaginary — or is it??)
*Enjoying his fame like anyone in his position would, Michelin Man became the George Clooney of the mascot circuit and had a different woman on his arms at every sighting. Ironically, Michelin Man never wears rubbers; an error in judgement that resulted in contracting bumps on his treads. He’s now a shut in, hanging around a body shop.
Grimace was down on his luck after McDonald’s abandonned their character branding. Desperate and hungry for cheeseburgers, Grimace and Hamburgler attempted to rob Mayor McCheese’s mansion. Grimace lost his balance going up the stairs and fell down them and on top of Hamburgler. Unable to move, Grimace’s large girth crushed and suffocated Hamburgler. Grimace remained there in that position for almost a week until Mayor McCheese returned home from his vacation at the Toronto Pride Parade with his partner Burger King. McCheese rescued Grimace and instead of calling the police, blackmailed him into becoming their sex slave.
Casharoo was savagely and voraciously beaten at random. The perpetrator waited over a year until he got better and then assaulted him again, this time the assailant brought a few buddies and they all took turns kicking and slamming him over and over repeatedly. Two years later, after finally being able to walk again, Casharoo decided to go on a road trip across the country. As soon as he stepped out of his car at a rest stop he was once again mercilessly attacked. Surprisingly by the same assailant, and this time the entire town joined in. The attackers were heard screaming “that’s what you get for being the most ridiculous fucking mascot ever!”
The Energizer Bunny’s batteries finally died. As he was a tired old relic from the 1980’s nobody bothered to replace the batteries and he sits in a box in a garage somewhere collecting dust.
PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY
The Pillsbury Dough Boy grew up to be an incredible pothead. Always having the munchies, Dough Boy started eating himself. Especially when he was baked!
Following his dream of becoming a world class dancer, Mr. Peanut joined the world famous Russian Ballet. Slowly tiring from the vigorous rehearsing and touring, after a performance of the Nutcracker he took a tremendous fall and both his shell and sanity cracked. Members of the audience stated that they could clearly see he’s nuts!
JOLLY GREEN GIANT
The Green Giant was approached by Godzilla to join his gang. Jolly started making extra coin on the side by pimping some Ho Ho Ho’s.
Always looking for a place to fit in, Kool-Aid Man was coerced into joining a religious cult. One evening Kool-Aid Man was forced to…well, drink the Kool-Aid and was never seen since.
After decades of smoking, the withered and leather-faced Joe Camel developed emphysema and later had a hump removed due to cancer. Joe runs a modest business selling designer tote bags at a Syrian Airport. But don’t mention the Marlboro Man to Joe, the mere mention of his name will cause Joe to become incredibly irritable and shit himself. No one knows exactly why there is such annymousity between the two — a secret Joe Camel plans to take to the grave!
Charlie the Tuna was caught in a fishing net off the coast of Maine. He was delicious.
THE KEEBLER ELF
Amidst numerous warnings from the local fire department about having an oven in a dry tree, the inevitable finally occured and a four alarm blaze erupted in the Keebler tree. The Keebler Elf was trapped inside and burned to a crunchy crisp. Closeby neighbours recall smelling the most delicious scents of baked cookies that day. Close friend Cookie Monster gave a touching, albeit incoherent, eulogy at Keebler’s Funeral.