We watched them each morning before school. We stared at them mouths agape while they whammied some emotional cripple into feeling aces using their Care Bear stares. We grew up, but the Care Bears didn’t. Sure, they’ve been redesigned over the years and relaunched in various different series every few years — but they have perpetually remained children for over 30 years! My baby daughter watches them every single time we take a drive in our truck. Every. Single. Time.
She must have seen the same episodes about 3000 times a piece. I wanted to do a post on Care Bears because of my daughter’s early obsession but couldn’t think of the right angle to approach it from. That is until I stumbled upon an awesome gallery of artwork featuring these very same characters on Deviantart by Dr. Chrissy (http://drchrissy.deviantart.com/gallery/ ) which you will see below. So lo and behold I have my posting, my next entry in the Final Fates series…
CARE BEARS: THEN AND NOW – THEIR FINAL FATES
Once Birthday Bear hit 30 years old he stopped celebrating birthdays. He watched as life passed him by, and he was stuck working a shitty stock boy job at Party Packagers. He dropped out of Care-A-Lot University the day after his 21st birthday because he went to have a few drinks with Good Times Bear. He got completely wasted and missed an important exam in his Event Planning class. This earned him a failing grade and thus prompted him to drop out and get a job blowing up balloons at Party Packagers. Fifteen years later he is still doing the very same gig and shakes his fist at all of the other Care Bears who made something of their lives. He’s known around the store, and all around Care-A-Lot, as OLD COOT BEAR now because of his constant disdain for any youthful activity.
Poor little Champ Bear. The overly athletic Care Bear became obsessed with competition and body image throughout his teen years. He started hitting the gym hard and was approached one day by Grizzle (a former Care Bear baddie) who offered Champ Bear the chance to beef up his physique with a special beta carotine elixir that he had concocted. Champ Bear went for the bait and accepted Grizzle’s offer. It wasn’t beta carotine…it was ANABOLIC STEROIDS and now Champ was hooked! Grizzle had duped the naive and vain bear. Champ became more and more addicted to the ‘roids as the years progressed. Sadly, he was forced off them hard when his teensy tiny little shriveled balls fell off.
Cheer Bear started hanging out with her degenerate Care Bear Cousins in high school and started being all emo. Former best friend Oopsy Bear says that “ever since she started hanging with that crowd she’s turned into a complete F*#king B@%tch”.
Friend Bear started becoming really gossipy in her adult years and reveals everyone in Care-A-Lot’s deepest and darkest secrets. She loves to spread rumors, but is still friendly to everyone she knows. She’s like that Aunt that everyone has that’s all up in everyone’s business but still baked the delicious bunt cake during the holidays.
Funshine joined a Heavy Metal band and changed his name to Poison. He hates everything. Caught in a Care Bear stare gone wrong, he is now the exact opposite of his formerly joyful self. Careful how you approach him because he has been known to punch other Bears right in the snout for looking at him funny. Poison runs the Daycare in Care-A-Lot.
GOOD LUCK BEAR
Good Luck Bear rebranded himself as Good Times Bear in High School when he started peddling weed. He has since become the premiere drug Tsar of Care-A-Lot, and is also the lead singer of a sh!tty ska band of which he is the only member. Loves to party and usually forgets all of the stupid stuff he does at them because he is usually incredibly high. He’s in his seventh year of undergraduate studies on his way to becoming a certified horticulturalist. Currently laid up at home in a body cast recuperating from injuries sustained in a fight with another Care Bear over a paternity issue.
Grumpy Bear got more and more grumpy as the years went by. After finally being diagnosed by a doctor it turns out that he’s not grumpy — he’s depressed! After being prescribed a hefty dose of Prozac, this former curmudgeon is like liquid sunshine now. He owns the most successful t-shirt company in Care-A-Lot and has been secretly romancing the recently neutered Champ Bear.
Love-A-Lot Bear grew up and started doing just that…loving. A LOT! After getting bounced around the room at a College Frat party, her reputation around Care-A-Lot as a whoo-er was established. She got a job modeling underwear but it ended rather quickly as the Care Bears don’t really wear undergarments — or any clothes, really. She did gain a bit of fame and success when she became the centerfold for the month of August in Playbear Magazine!
Share Bear turned into GREEDY BEAR once she started making good money working at the Care-A-Lot Savings and Loan. She even forced Bedtime Bear to foreclose on his house because he accidentally slept in the day of the meeting with the CALSAL. She then immediately snatched up his place and is forcing him to pay twice as much as his mortgage was in rent. Everyone in town thinks that she is an assh*le.
Tenderheart Bear grew up first. He sprouted big and tall and slowly started to feel out of place. The other Care Bears stopped playing with him because he was so different. This led Tenderheart to resent the others. So, in order to appease his longing for acceptance Tenderheart started beating the shit out of all of the other Bears and became a mean old bully. His assaulting ways stopped though for awhile when after a “wild night of partying” with Good Times Bear and Booty Call Bear he was horrified to discover that Booty was pregnant — and that the baby could be his! He got a job scrubbing all of the toilets at the Care-A-Lot Amusement Park and tried to run a straight life with Booty and the baby. Then after discovering that HE WAS NOT THE FATHER! on the Maury Povich show, BULLY BEAR resurfaced and beat the living holy hell out of Good Times Bear on live TV. He is currently serving a Five Year sentence for aggravated assault. But since Care-A-Lot doesn’t have a prison, he’s forced to clean all the toilets in Care-A-Lot all day every day until his sentence is up.
There you have it folks, the Final Fates of the fantastic Care Bears — they’re all grown up now!