Have you ever imagined an alternate reality for some of your favourite Pop Culture loves growing up? I know I certainly have! Cancelled TV shows, discontinued products, mascots, TV idols, cartoon characters, you name it…WHAT IF they all went on to have “normal” lives out of the spotlight once the cameras weren’t on them any more? How would their lives have played out? Let’s speculate…
One time when I was eating cereal during a bout of the munchies, I realized that we don’t really see a lot of commercials for cereals any more on TV. Which further got me thinking “WHATEVER HAPPENED TO OUR CEREAL MASCOTS”? So I once again got lost in my imagination, and dreamt up some of these possible outcomes to our beloved Breakfast Bunch….
WHAT IF? CEREAL MASCOTS – CAPTAIN CRUNCH
CAP’N CRUNCH VINTAGE TELEVISION COMMERCIAL
The good Captain continued to sail bowls of milk around the world for many years. But sadly, when battling a whirlpool when the bowl of milk he was in was being poured down the sink — Captain Crunch was tragically killed when his Crunchberries got smooshed!
WHAT IF? CEREAL MASCOTS – COUNT CHOCULA
COUNT CHOCULA CEREAL (with his pal FRANKENBERRY) – CLASSIC TELEVISION COMMERCIAL – 1971
The exuberent Count has not been seen publically for years. After decades of eating nothing but chocolate, he became morbidly obese. As he is unable to carry his own weight, Count Chocula has become a bedridden hermit in his castle. Rumours swirl about that he keeps his company with fellow monster cereal pal, Booberry.
WHAT IF? CEREAL MASCOTS – COCOA PUFFS CUCKOO BIRD
COCOA PUFFS – CUCKOO BIRD – CLASSIC TELEVISION COMMERCIAL – 1960’s
Not only was Cuckoo the Cocoa Puffs bird cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, he was in fact certifiably cuckoo! After years of chugging chocolately milk he finally snapped and was committed to an institution. His days were numbered unfortunately, as Cuckoo was murdered one morning after repeatedly being told to stop singing that he was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. His good friend, and cousin, Toucan Sam took his death incredibly hard.
WHAT IF? CEREAL MASCOTS – FRANKENBERRY
FRANKENBERRY – VINTAGE TELEVISION COMMERCIAL – 1986
After years of hiding in the pantry, Frankenberry finally came out of the cupboard and has embraced his extreme gayness. In the years since his outing, he has become a (near) vocal advocate of LGBT breakfast cereal mascots all over the world including his partner Fruity Yummy Mummy. Frankenberry and life-long friend, business partner, and fellow cartoon cereal monster Count Chocula had a falling out in the mid-1990’s over who deserved to have marshmellows added to their cereal.
WHAT IF? CEREAL MASCOTS – LUCKY THE LEPRECHAUN
LUCKY CHARMS – LUCKY THE LEPRECHAUN VINTAGE TELEVISION COMMERCIAL – 1980
LUCKY THE LEPRECHAUN
No one has seen Lucky in quite some time. But it was publically known that he had a bit of a gambling problem for years. Always betting on the success of new marshmellow shapes in his cereal, some believe that he may have finally bitten off more than he could chew when he introduced Pink Pants and Yellow Unicorns; both of which were not well received. Many in the mascot community think that Lucky may have owed too much gold to some unsavory types and could have met an untimely demise.
WHAT IF? CEREAL MASCOTS – SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP
RICE KRISPIES – SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP VINTAGE TELEVISION COMMERCIAL – 1950’s
SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP
Rice Krispie spokesmen Snap, Crackle and Pop finally Snapped, Crackled and Popped under the pressure of trying to hock their cereal for years. After the Trix Rabbit took their Trix cereal away from them, they mercilessly beat him to within an inch of his life. Found to be temporarily insane and not criminally guilty of the crime, the trio was sent to a mental institution where they enjoyed watching Keebler Elf commercials and re-runs of the Three Stooges. Their violent tendencies resurfaced, however, when they shived and murdered Cuckoo the Cocoa Puffs bird. All three continue to be treated at the institution.
WHAT IF? CEREAL MASCOTS – SUGAR BEAR
SUGAR BEAR – SUGAR CRISP CEREAL VINTAGE TELEVISION COMMERCIAL – 1950’s
After years of abusing his body by eating nothing but Sugar Crisp Cereal, Sugar Bear developed severe diabetes. The years following his diagnosis he fell on hard times. He tried to pitch healthier alternative cereals like Broccoli Blast and Beta Carotine Crunch but was generally always laughed out of whatever building he was in. Plunging into deep depression after losing both of his legs to the disease, Sugar Bear rolled his wheelchair into a cave in the late fall and never came out in the spring.
WHAT IF? CEREAL MASCOTS – DIG’EM
DIG’EM – SUGAR SMACKS – TELEVISION COMMERCIAL – 1978
Dig’em the Frog smacked one too many people around and was thrown out of a window. Narrowly escaping death, Dig’em raced across the road, dodging traffic but eventually met his untimely demise when he was squished by a passing Vespa. His family sold the rights to his story which became popular 1980’s video game FROGGER.
WHAT IF? CEREAL MASCOTS – TONY THE TIGER
FROSTED FLAKES – TONY THE TIGER VINTAGE TELEVISION COMMERCIAL – 1970’s
TONY THE TIGER
Tony the Tiger couldn’t handle the constant pressure of always being great. When he came in second to the Fruit Brute in an athletic event, Tony went on a crazed rampage and mauled a couple of fat kids that couldn’t run away fast enough. He was promptly shot and killed by the town Sheriff. Toxicology reports revealed that Tony had 4 times the daily recommended serving of Frosted Flakes in his bloodstream which some conclude may have led to his sudden burst of insanity.
WHAT IF? CEREAL MASCOTS – TOUCAN SAM
FRUIT LOOPS – TOUCAN SAM VINTAGE TELEVISION COMMERCIAL – 1975
After suffering the loss of his cousin Cuckoo the Cocoa Puffs bird, Toucan Sam slid into dark depression and started using recreational drugs. His need for powdered sugar became so great that he started pimping out his nose for blow. “Follow my nose, it always knows” he would proclaim. He would sing his catchphrase and lead unsuspecting kids into remote alleyways where he would shake them down for their milk money. His current whereabouts are unknown.
WHAT IF? CEREAL MASCOTS – CEREAL MASCOTS – TRIX RABBIT
TRIX – TRIX RABBIT VINTAGE TELEVISION COMMERCIAL – 1970’s
The Trix Rabbit fell on hard times and started turning tricks for Trix. When the Rice Krispie Gang tried to take his cereal, Trix Rabbit fought back but was over powered. They Snapped his neck, Crackled his spine, and Popped his knee caps but he survived. After extensive rehab, Trix Rabbit now runs a successful fruit stand just left of Albuquerque.