Have you ever imagined an alternate reality for some of your favourite Pop Culture loves growing up? I know I certainly have! Cancelled TV shows, discontinued products, mascots, TV idols, cartoon characters, you name it…WHAT IF they all went on to have “normal” lives out of the spotlight once the cameras weren’t on them any more? How would their lives have played out? Let’s speculate…
The Great Gazoo met Jeanie at a Genie convention in 1977 in San Francisco. They were wed a year later and starred in the critical flop “Dum Dum and Colonel Nelson Never Saw It Coming” in 1981. Although the movie was a completely polished turd, the duo worked their magic to win a small group of weak-minded and weak-willed people over. This action garnered them a Genie Award, which was like the Canadian version of a smarter and less cool nose-picking younger brother of the Oscar. Jeanie divorced Gazoo in 1994, and has been in a relationship with the genie from Aladdin since 1995. The Great Gazoo wrote the critically acclaimed best selling memoir, “I May Not Be All That Great But I’m Still Better Than You Dum Dum” in 2000. He is comfortably living in a retirement community in Tallahassee, Florida. .
After years of trying to blow up the Earth, Marvin grossly miscalculated one of his death ray’s settings and accidentally disintegrated his foot. Marvin the Martian started up and operated a successful dry cleaning business in Albuquerque, New Mexico after his bouts with Bugs Bunny proved that he was a failure as a world conqueror. Eventually, Bugs finally made that left turn he always misses and found himself in Marvin’s shop. The two rehashed old memories and parted as friends. The same cannot be said of Daffy Duck. He was super pissed at Marvin for ruining his Duck Dodgers suit and vowed his revenge. A couple years later, Marvin unfortunately got nabbed for pot possession but repeatedly claims he was set up by Daffy Duck. When approached for questioning, Daffy couldn’t stop laughing. Upon his release, Marvin was spotted working on a new Death Ray…for ducks!
*One day the Klingons arrived on Andor and quickly vanquished the wimpy Andorrians. This weak but proud people accepted their new masters. They eventually all became entertainers and starred in the interstellar smash musical “Blue Balls Are Better Than One” now celebrating its 43rd cycle.
YIP YIP ALIENS
*Years and years of trying to tell the time off of clocks on Sesame Street finally paid off for the Yip Yip aliens when they were hired to be the official time keepers for the 2000 Olympics in Sydney, Australia. They went on to write and sing one of the catchiest (yet simplest) dance songs of all time “Yip Yip Yip Uh Huh Uh Huh”.
Mork from Ork became a zany stage comedian and then migrated to films. He starred in such seminal classics as “Good Morning Vietnam” opposite Forrest Whitaker, “Awakenings” with Robert De Niro, and won an Academy Award for “Good Will Hunting” with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. It wasn’t all wine and roses for Mork however, as he also put out these stinkier than my shoes forgettables “Toys” with LL Cool J, and “Death to Smoochie” with Ed Norton. You’re probably wondering why I keep referring to Robin Williams (the actor) as Mork (the character he played). Well, that’s because the man is so bizarre he has to be out of this world! Sadly, Robin Williams departed us last year tragically, but Mork lives on in our hearts!
*Beldar Conehead met a tragic fate. One evening while working a long day at his second job, he got his head stuck in a narrow opening and asphyxiated to death. No one in his Conehead family knew that Beldar was secretly moonlighting at a second job at nights. The long hours and stress of financial woes exhausted Beldar and contributed greatly to his demise. The director of Beldar’s night job said: “I’ve never seen anyone die as a butt plug before!”
When their TV show went off the air in the late 1980’s, the Ockmonik family wasted no time kicking Alf to the curb. The furry little alien migrated from dumpster to dumpster using them as shelter and food supply. He was eventually arrested when dozens of neighborhood cats went missing and became the first ever kitty cat serial killer. Alf’s lawyer managed to get an acquittal and the case was thrown out. He then moved to Thailand and started his own beachfront BBQ stand called “Yumm Yumm Kitty“.
The dim-witted alien was arrested for soliciting an undercover police officer posing as a prostitute, when he asked her if she has seen “The Big Giant Head”. Harry was very popular to some of the more aggressive and sexually deprived inmates in jail. He took a shine to one of the other jailed offenders, and he and Alf became lifelong pen pals. Eventually Harry did see the Big Giant Head, but a Doctor prescribed him a topical cream for that to heal his yeast infection.